One year on...…..

I hit the ground at the start of 2019 quite literally, by falling over a frozen lump of dog wee whilst on holiday in Italy, it all happened in slow motion although the yellow frozen snow coming towards me seem to gain momentum as it took all my strength to prevent my face ending up in it. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, the shock of falling over and the pain from hitting the ice caused my body to instantly tremble. TRE kicked in, and my body’s natural coping mechanism allowed me to cope with the incident relatively smoothly. It happened just outside the hotel door and I knew I was going to cry so somehow my husband picked me up off the floor after saying “ what are you doing down there darling?” which lightened the moment somewhat whilst I hobbled through to reception got in the lift and once safely inside our room the tears fell hot and fast. However, within an hour I began to feel better. It was hard to believe that a couple of days prior I had snow shoed to the top of a mountain!

Being diagnosed and living with Fibromyalgia I can liken to grief, losing a part of me, the old life that died, leaving me to cope with what was left. A body engulfed by pain, that wanted to go on adventures. A mind that wanted to think straight, instead of being clouded by fog. A spirit that wanted to be free, rather than held back by illness. It was an existence; not the life I yearned for. Getting out of bed each day took so much energy and will power; it would have been so much easier just to give in and stay there.

The depression was the hardest part for me, the isolation that I felt of not being heard or even believed. I looked well, but nobody could feel my pain. Nobody could experience what it felt like to just try to exist from one day to the next, with no end or cure in sight. They were very dark days, the stigma that I thought came from talking about my mental health meant that I didn’t want anyone to know.

I was lucky, I was able to get help and was given hope that I would be able to start to claw my way out of the hell hole I had found myself in. That was 6 years ago………..

Since then, I have spent time searching for something that I don’t think I will ever find, even if it exists, I’m not sure what ‘It’ is exactly, I thought I was looking for my tribe, the one I thought I needed to feel that I fit into. I thought it was the ideal life, I thought I wanted. I thought it was being the person, I thought everyone wanted me to be. I thought it was saying things, I thought everyone wanted to hear. I thought it was filling my life with things, that I thought I should be filling my life with.

Whilst on my healing journey I am meeting people that our paths are crossing maybe just once or many times and each time we meet I know there is something for me to learn from the experience. I have come to realise that I have all the things that I need in my life, right here at this moment. Anything that no longer serves me, I feel gratitude towards and can start letting go of it. This has not been easy, but it has taught me some very valuable lessons, it is easier to move forward without the energy of things I no longer need, holding me back. I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone, that I almost lost sight of who I really am.

I hug trees, wear my heart on my sleeve and explore alternative healing techniques. I may be outspoken at times, but I believe to always speak my truth. If you show true friendship to me, I will be loyal and honest with you. If you hurt me, those cuts run deep and I strongly believe in Karma. I do not need to belong to a tribe, I am walking along my own path with my spirit of adventure and my soul shining brightly, leading the way.

I have a chronic pain condition that sometimes makes life challenging for me, and I may need to change my plans at the last minute. I am however; doing what makes me happy, so spending time with friends and family who enrich my life, dancing an hour away at Zumba, birdwatching, sound baths, drum circles, shamanic journeying, dowsing my way across the moorland, climbing mountains and laughing at myself when falling over frozen mounds of dog wee! This is food for my soul, making my heart sing and bringing great joy to my spirit.

I feel truly blessed to be, who I am.

Wishing you love and happiness in 2020  xxx

Being Me

Wow, what an amazing year this has been, I can’t believe that my blog is almost two years old. The past twelve months have been incredible, I could never have dreamt that I would be able to achieve so much, whilst still battling the chronic pain of Fibromyalgia. I vowed that my illness would never define me, I sometimes forget that it’s there. I have spent much time over the years convincing myself that the medical profession got my diagnosis wrong, that maybe I had post viral fatigue, Lyme disease anything but Fibro…..but the positive outcome of it; my Holistic Fibro Fighter Blog.

I started writing it, as a form of therapy to help me express my frustration with living with a chronic pain condition and then it started to morph into a review of the therapies and activities that I had experienced. I then began to feel pressurised into writing something exciting each month; this was never my intention, I have looked back over my monthly blogs and can see my writing style has changed. I can also see the journey that I have been on and the direction into which I am currently heading.

This Blog is a journal of my journey and personal fight with Fibro, it is fundamentally about me; I almost lost sight of my purpose, by trying too hard. Those of you that follow my blog have your own reasons for reading it should you choose to, if no one else reads it then that’s OK too.

I write from my heart, often with grammatical, spelling or typos, but that’s me! It is a way for me to explore my many ups and a few downs as I negotiate my life living with a body that can let me down when I least expect it. Everyday is a challenge, I have constant pain all over my body, that often moves about, during the day and night. If I am unfortunate to catch a virus it can floor me, I try to eat healthy following a vegetarian diet, I exercise. I enjoy a gin and tonic and a glass of wine, I avoid red wine and caffeine at all costs, I love it; but it causes a massive flare up, its a small sacrifice to make.

I look well; looks can be deceiving.  I put a smile on my face and keep on facing forward, as I am heading in that direction. Every body is different and when you meet me and proffer some well meaning advice, have I tried this or tried that? I will thank you kindly and then continue on my way. I may in the future try something you have suggested, I may have already tried it, I may decline to try it. I know what is the most appropriate treatment for me and my body.

We seem to live in a world where we are all competing to be something, be someone; who is following us on social media and how many friends we do or don’t have on facebook. It is the real people in your life that matter, your family, your close friends, your local support group and the acquaintances you make as you travel through life.

A few months ago, I attended the monthly support group that I went to when I was first diagnosed in 2014, the group has been going for many years and although our numbers have dwindled, we are a determined bunch of individuals and I intend to help to keep the group going, I believe without their support over the years, my story could have been very different.

I am always reminded of the time I first arrived a bit prim, short styled hair, wearing black and white, pale faced and feeling incredibly low in the bottom of a deep hole, I was walking with a stick and on a cocktail of medication. I laugh when I look at myself now, I am so very different, not just in looks but in the way I have chosen to live with my pain.

With the groups encouragement I have been exploring more healing therapies that I could have imaged, and I am sure there are still more to experience, some have benefited me, others I choose not to have again. My body knows what it wants and needs to heal itself, learning to trust that intuition without feeling guilty or the need to explain myself is incredibly important. Saying No; is still challenging, but it does get easier each time I empower myself to follow what I believe is the right path for me.

I have learnt so much about myself, I thought I was looking for something that I had lost. However, it was there all the time; my soul and spirit had become hidden. Having constant pain seems to numb the senses and I lost touch with myself, my inner child and what makes me the unique individual, that I am. Having time to explore who I am, with like-minded people has led to the most amazing experiences I have ever had.

I have taken up new fitness activities Zumba and more recently FitSteps I would never have thought that I would be able to dance with such passion and enthusiasm and love it so much, even if my brain is finding getting my feet, arms and body to go in the right directions. I often find myself freestyling, I can do the exercise at my own pace, with a smile on my face. Fibro does dot define me.

I have learnt to dowse for water, electricity and energy. I have journeyed deep into my subconscious through Shamanic practice, I have birthed a drum, I have attended workshops on crafting, birdwatching and incense making to name but a few. I have meditated with Tibetan monks, watched as they created a peace mandala and then watch its careful destruction. There is much to be learnt, in all of this.

My pain is manageable at present, I continue to have monthly sound Gong baths, I go for regular healing sessions at Lupton. I continue to use Reiki on myself and I am in the process of being able to offer this to others and their companion animals in the New Year.

I use my beautiful drum to energise, cleanse my home and assist in my own healing. I have some great workshops to look forward to over the coming months using dowsing as a healing therapy. I am truly grateful that my life is so enriched with opportunities to help heal myself.

I have spent time enjoying the company of friends and family, the people that I choose to spend time with, I have laughed more than I have cried. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to be who I am, to do what makes me happy, without judgement and supporting me during the times that challenge me.

The memory of Gaunts House dancing around the fire until the small hours, awakened in my soul to really embrace Celebrating Life and Being Alive. I am eagerly awaiting to do it all again next year.

Wishing everyone Love, Health and Happiness for 2019 xx

Please find the links to some of the wonderful opportunities, I have been blessed to participate in

Dowsing Energy

I am so excited, I have always had an interest in dowsing and bought my first pendulum when I was 16. I have had a pair of rods since my early twenties but never really used them, they have sat in a box in a draw. As with most things these come into my life for a reason and it has been recently that my interest in earth energy and dowsing has been sparked up again.

I strongly believe that people come into your life to teach you things that you need to learn. Life is forever changing and a journey of discovery. Today I spent the afternoon with a friend dowsing ancient cairns on top of a hill, we could see Dartmoor in one direction and the coast in the distance in the other, it was so beautiful with sunshine and showers we were even graced with a rainbow; I felt a sure sign that we were connecting with the ancestors.

How did I arrive to be here at this point in; time, space and life………….

Earlier this year two friends and I, joined a guided walk to explore Merrivale and the surrounding landscape connecting to the ancestors through drumming, dowsing and being in the moment. Despite having had pendulum and rods in my possession for some time; I had never taken the time to explore how to use them to connect with energy and healing. Maybe it hasn’t been the right moment for me and now it is; sometimes you have no control over your destiny.

I must be honest at this point; it was cold wet and misty up on the moor and I really did wonder what I was doing there! I walked towards a standing stone asking to be shown where the energy began, the rods did not respond, I was quite blasé, this doesn’t work for me. I was encouraged to rephrase the question and set my intention (setting intentions is a bit like positive thought and mindfulness) and once I mastered asking the right questions the rods seem to respond.]

I have written in my previous blogs, that whilst I received Tibetan and Crystal bowl therapy, I have had my chakras dowsed, to discover which bowls need to be played during the treatment. Whilst it is very challenging to dowse your own chakras, particularly the crown and brow as it is difficult to see which way the pendulum is spinning, it appears to provide an insight into your health and wellbeing that can benefit your own healing.

At the end of October, I attended a very experiential day with Devon Dowsers, spending it dowsing for utilities, water, leaks in pipes, bore holes, shallow wells and healing energy spaces. I was amazed at my findings and the accuracy I was able to achieve using my rods or pendulum. We even tried map dowsing with very successful results.

During the workshop I spent some time in the middle of a field searching for my healing place. You can dowse for this and then find the spot, then dowse for how many minutes you need to spend in this space to benefit from the healing and dowse for which way you need to face. Prior to doing this, one of the group facilitators dowsed my aura and then after I stayed in my healing space for the required amount of time, my aura was dowsed again, it was2 ½ hrs times further away from me. Now that is amazing! How did I feel? Different, the sun gently warming my back, the sound of silence. I was in a space, that I had found for me, in which to receive my healing. It was not necessary for anyone to assist me, I felt empowered with the knowledge that I can dowse for those energy places whenever and wherever I feel the need. Now that’s magick.

I accompanied my friend to attend the Tamar Dowsers monthly meeting and talk and I came away inspired by what I had learnt and added to my increasing library of dowsing literature. For years dowsers have been searching for earth energies, water, oil, lost things, you can dowse for anything as long as you phrase the questions appropriately. There are a few guidelines to be followed such as asking for permission, making sure you are grounded, protected and remaining mindful of what you are doing, I have been reliably informed that everyone is able to dowse.

Dowsing is using your intuition and putting an extension (the rods/pendulum) to assist in feeling the energy. I would never have believed what you can discover, the possibilities are endless, sometimes it is easier to go with something than trying to analyse how it to works.

Today up on the hill, we knew there were some ancient remains there, but not sure of the exact location and the site was covered with heather, we dowsed for one cairn and having found it, we then discovered a second one, they were next to each other and the outer banks were almost overlapping. We found some incredibly wide energy lines going into them, having placed stones to mark the width of these lines, we dowsed which way the energy was flowing and then went to the other side of the cairn and each time we crossed an energy line, we looked across to discover the stone was marking the spot. All the lines seem to run from Dartmoor down towards the coast, our ancestors decided to build a cairn on that spot. The wonderful thing is that both my friend and I found the same results even when we were dowsing opposite side. You couldn’t make this up if you tried.

When I started writing this blog, I had no idea where my journey would take me, I didn’t think that almost two years ago I would be still writing and would have been out dowsing energy lines. It was not long ago that I wondered if I would be able to walk without the assistance of a stick, but here I was today tramping across the heather following the direction of a pair of copper rods. “We are all energy. How we use that energy will help to start us on the journey to heal our bodies” that is where my story begins……….

Wishing you love, light, health and happiness during this festive season.