Change

It feels strange, I have a sense of panic that maybe I did not do all the things I thought I would do during lockdown.  There is a bit of guilt there, that maybe I wasted an opportunity.

‘Time will pass, this way but once’ have I missed it; is it too late; a state of panic.

I am not sure if I want to go back to the old normal;  what is the new normal?  what is normal?

I feel that I have been an observer, watching this whole global pandemic unfold, it is almost like I have been in a dream state, working out what is real and what is not.

What I have done, is given myself time to heal, I have a real sense that I have been in a calm state of mind that has not been mediating in a crossed legged position trying to be like Yoda.

I have been gently observing life, watching as she has unfolded through nature, the nesting birds rearing their young, the out of date seeds that I planted now coming into flower. The quietness of the planet, the beauty of the dawn chorus, the gentle sound of the sea.

I have taken countless photos of sunrises and sunsets. I guess that they have been something regular in my life, a daily routine of which I have no control, other than to not be awake or willing to observe them.

The guilt I felt, of not going out for my once daily exercise has lifted and I find there are a few days in a row that I may choose not to go out for a walk. Yes, that is ok, I am listening to my body, allowing myself to nurture me.

I have spent this time during Lockdown unconsciously inwardly observing; who I am; where I want to be.  I have noticed with this sense of calm.  I am presently living without pain. Stress and pain for me go hand in hand.

My body rhythm has altered, I arise with the sun and despite the lack of sleep hours, I feel more rested than I have done in years. The hours that I do sleep seem more nourishing and I do not feel the need for an afternoon nap.

What has changed since we started to come out of lockdown; I have become annoyed at the inconsiderate small minority of folk who ignore social distancing and charge straight towards me. The loud traffic noise that is drowning out the bird song and sound of the sea. The confusion around the changing guidelines, the blatant few who choose to do their own thing and ignore all of this.

All of these I have little or no control over, but it is how I choose to react to them that matters. I have learnt to dodge the few who come at me oblivious to the world around them; for I do not know what is going on for them.

The traffic is quiet in the early morning at sunrise, so I relish this moment to savor the dawn of a new day.

As for the guidelines, I allow others to do what they feel is right for them. I would not wish to be putting those I care about at risk, because I want to give them a hug, the hug maybe more for me, than for them.

When I experience change of any kind, it is my relationship with it that evolves, with change comes loss of something, even when that change is positive. It is a loss of the old and maybe a small amount of fear of the future and of that change. With that loss comes grief, which is inevitable.

How I deal with grief is to understand and deal with the emotions that I am experiencing and find a way to move forward. It need not be a negative experience; it can be viewed as a gift where I am able to take something positive and appreciative how it enriches my life.

Last year I attended a funeral, during the service we were offered a question to consider, ‘What are you going to do, to change things in your own world, to make this life matter?’

I decided that in order to make changes in my life, I needed to concentrate on the positive aspects and despite living with a diagnosis and constant battle with pain, I knew I did not want my world to continue that way. I chose to eliminate dairy and gluten from my diet, it was a big one for me, I love cheese and I love bread.

Life was challenging for a time, but now I can see the benefits. The benefits outweigh the loss, to live without pain for the last 8 months is incredible. I have more energy, feel amazing and I often get complimented on how well I look.

However, there is also some sadness that I no longer have the pain: having lived with it so long, losing it left me feeling a bit empty, a weird void, my pain had defined me and I needed to search for a new identity.

Lockdown as given the opportunity to do just that and all the change that has been brought about, has  given me time to think and focus on what is important to me, my connection to myself and those around me. I have a clear direction of where I am heading, taking my business forward with me, feeling excited about the future.

We are all unique, so our own changes will be individual, only we will know if the things we change in our own world, will make this life matter.  I know the changes I have made over the past few months really matter to me; they are not necessarily going to impact globally. The way I have acknowledged my looking inwards without realising;  bringing a sense of calm to my world, is what has kept me going through lockdown.

Uncertain times (Its life Jim, but not as we know it)

The evening that lockdown was announced, I stood outside the door and looked up into the vastness of the universe and wondered at the enormity that has befallen the world.

“It’s life Jim, but not as we know it” remembering the lyrics from this 80s song by The Firm got me thinking about this strange situation, that we all find ourselves in.

It is an experience that we are all having, but how we are living that experience, is probably very different.

I have always been quite happy to stay at home and just be, enjoying my own company. Then suddenly I am only allowed to go out except for necessity and one form of exercise per day, that brought up some strange feelings for me.

Despite not feeling that I needed to go out, I felt guilty that I had not gone, fear of wasting my opportunity. So off I went, despite it starting to become dark, to ensure that I made the most of being able to leave my house.

Freedom is something that maybe I take for granted, suddenly I am curtailed. I had so many plans to do things in the last few months, all of which have been put on hold. I was angry and frustrated at first, then an acceptance that this is how it is. A time to take an opportunity to slow down and notice…….

Having space to be still, spending some parts of the day outside, I am aware how loud nature is; I was outside a few days ago and a robin was chirping so loudly it was almost deafening. The bees buzzing, the grass growing quickly, daffodils flowered and have died back, bluebells and primrose in full bloom, the birds nesting and raising their young. The house martins on their return migration screeching in the clear blue sky. The tide coming in and going out, the flow of the river ever continual. The full pink moon just over a week ago, bathing the night in a soothing light. I may have stopped, but mother nature is proceeding in her natural pattern of life, unaffected by me.

In the big scheme of things, I feel I am insignificant, but here I stand in my own power.

I have control over many things, which I discovered through writing two lists.

“Things I can’t control and things I can control”

Things I can’t control, not being able to go out to work to see clients. Having events and holidays that were booked; cancelled. Not being able to go out and meet up with friends, or being able to attend drum circles and sound healing. Not being able to go out up to Dartmoor to dowse ancient sites and stone circles. Not being able to join others to go birdwatching. Not being able to go out for a meal in a country pub. These are all sociable activities that I enjoy, however they make up a small percentage of my life.

I have discovered that I have control over so much more; I can work from home, without having to sit in a traffic queue. I can decide when I get up and go to bed, without an alarm. What and when I eat. What I choose to watch, listen or read or not watch, listen or read. I can decide who I want to contact (they may choose not to connect with me, but that is ok). I can decide what time I wish to take my exercise or decide not to take my exercise, without feeling guilty.

I can still participate in drum circles and listen to sound healing on zoom. I can go to the supermarket to buy essentials (what I may consider essentials, may not be what others consider essentials). I can still order products online and have them delivered to my door. I can still enjoy listening to nature without the constant sound of the traffic. I can notice the ebb and flow of the tide, the seagulls as they fly over the house towards the sea to roost every evening. I can still watch the sun rise in the morning and the sun set each day.

I am aware time will pass by this way, only once; cherishing every moment and every breath that I take. I’m not sure I will wish to change too much, when this lockdown is over.

I still have all of this........ I can still wonder about the greatness of the universe.

"This is life, Jim. It's how I choose to know it!"

One year on...…..

I hit the ground at the start of 2019 quite literally, by falling over a frozen lump of dog wee whilst on holiday in Italy, it all happened in slow motion although the yellow frozen snow coming towards me seem to gain momentum as it took all my strength to prevent my face ending up in it. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, the shock of falling over and the pain from hitting the ice caused my body to instantly tremble. TRE kicked in, and my body’s natural coping mechanism allowed me to cope with the incident relatively smoothly. It happened just outside the hotel door and I knew I was going to cry so somehow my husband picked me up off the floor after saying “ what are you doing down there darling?” which lightened the moment somewhat whilst I hobbled through to reception got in the lift and once safely inside our room the tears fell hot and fast. However, within an hour I began to feel better. It was hard to believe that a couple of days prior I had snow shoed to the top of a mountain!

Being diagnosed and living with Fibromyalgia I can liken to grief, losing a part of me, the old life that died, leaving me to cope with what was left. A body engulfed by pain, that wanted to go on adventures. A mind that wanted to think straight, instead of being clouded by fog. A spirit that wanted to be free, rather than held back by illness. It was an existence; not the life I yearned for. Getting out of bed each day took so much energy and will power; it would have been so much easier just to give in and stay there.

The depression was the hardest part for me, the isolation that I felt of not being heard or even believed. I looked well, but nobody could feel my pain. Nobody could experience what it felt like to just try to exist from one day to the next, with no end or cure in sight. They were very dark days, the stigma that I thought came from talking about my mental health meant that I didn’t want anyone to know.

I was lucky, I was able to get help and was given hope that I would be able to start to claw my way out of the hell hole I had found myself in. That was 6 years ago………..

Since then, I have spent time searching for something that I don’t think I will ever find, even if it exists, I’m not sure what ‘It’ is exactly, I thought I was looking for my tribe, the one I thought I needed to feel that I fit into. I thought it was the ideal life, I thought I wanted. I thought it was being the person, I thought everyone wanted me to be. I thought it was saying things, I thought everyone wanted to hear. I thought it was filling my life with things, that I thought I should be filling my life with.

Whilst on my healing journey I am meeting people that our paths are crossing maybe just once or many times and each time we meet I know there is something for me to learn from the experience. I have come to realise that I have all the things that I need in my life, right here at this moment. Anything that no longer serves me, I feel gratitude towards and can start letting go of it. This has not been easy, but it has taught me some very valuable lessons, it is easier to move forward without the energy of things I no longer need, holding me back. I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone, that I almost lost sight of who I really am.

I hug trees, wear my heart on my sleeve and explore alternative healing techniques. I may be outspoken at times, but I believe to always speak my truth. If you show true friendship to me, I will be loyal and honest with you. If you hurt me, those cuts run deep and I strongly believe in Karma. I do not need to belong to a tribe, I am walking along my own path with my spirit of adventure and my soul shining brightly, leading the way.

I have a chronic pain condition that sometimes makes life challenging for me, and I may need to change my plans at the last minute. I am however; doing what makes me happy, so spending time with friends and family who enrich my life, dancing an hour away at Zumba, birdwatching, sound baths, drum circles, shamanic journeying, dowsing my way across the moorland, climbing mountains and laughing at myself when falling over frozen mounds of dog wee! This is food for my soul, making my heart sing and bringing great joy to my spirit.

I feel truly blessed to be, who I am.

Wishing you love and happiness in 2020  xxx